Friday, 1 December 2017

Puppy Love

About 5 wks ago, the 2.75kg bundle of Boxer cross Rottweiler named Apollo fell into our lives. 

Regular puppy posts on all of my social media accounts have followed and so most of you will already be familiar with his cute little face. 

I will openly admit that I've struggled with puppy life.  24hrs a day looking after a puppy that at times has his high energy moments (he actually goes flippin nuts!) combined with a fewbouts of 'puppy guts' , an increasingly strong and determined jaw (biting is fun don't you know?) - alongside an ever increasing weight (he's over 10kg now) - is, simply put: exhausting. 

Up at around 5.30am most days and ending up like a zombie snatching snoozes on the couch whilst the puppy sleeps has become the norm.  Housework and ironing have to be fitted in around the precious sleep.

I've turned into someone who appears to have no clothes other than leggings & sweat shirts with lots of holes in. Did I mention the teeth? I've heard the word 'needles' when people talk about puppy teeth.

I can assure you that needles are a piece of piss when I think of how sharp this little nugget's teeth are.  Seriously.

Toilet training.  If you do not take the little nugget out to the garden every 10-15 minutes he will pee indoors. He will also literally skip over the puppy training pad or newspaper that's been provided, on his way to the area that he'd like to go in.  Night times are usually uneventful. A few accidents in his early weeks here and there but overall he's pretty good. 

Last night was a first poo patrol requirement at an ungodly hour.  3.15am. I was standing in my garden in knee length pj bottoms, a man sized knitted hoody/ jacket thing and White Birkenstocks. No socks. That goes beyond looking like a German tourist.  That's mental patient level right there.  But I think given the choice of enduring the arctic conditions for 5 minutes or having the whole house stinking of dog poo by morning, plus the risk of pup either standing/lying in it or eating it.... the choice is made.

This little guy is hard work for a fair amount of time but he also makes me happy, even when he's trying to hump me.   My dad would have simultaneously adored him and been telling me I shouldn't have got him ♡

I can't wait until my Lolly-pup has got his manners under control and gets to run free in the fields with that tongue and those perfect, velvety ears flapping around. 

Word of the day: 

  1. daybreak; dawn; the time at which a cockcharacteristically crows - when Kirsty is getting up to deal with the nugget.  

The next song on my playlist:

Billy Ocean ~
Love Really Hurts Without You

Monday, 10 July 2017

Sports Bras for the well endowed

Some of us Ladies are, shall we say, well endowed. .. 

Upon making the decision to (in my case take advantage of being headache/migraine free) - exercise. And I'm not talking about having a wander up the road and then tell myself it was power walking.  Neither am I referring to "dead floating" from one end of a swimming pool to another.  


Ashley Graham in sports bra

I am referring to, in this instance,  hiit cardio training. (Please see Joe Wicks The Body Coach YouTube channel for demos). 

Jumping/bouncing around for 30 sec intervals with "bazonkers" that are anything bigger than a DD is painful, both physically and for some, no doubt, visually.

This is where "sports bras" come in.  And this is where I have a problem,  or two. 

First of all,  the mission of finding one that fits properly and stops all of the flapping about - but without causing our appendages to be compressed up to our throats so that we are simultaneously smothered/garroted - is a time consuming and angry task in itself. Especially on a hot and sticky day.  This is  all ideally without having to take out a small mortgage to purchase it. 

When you've found one that more or less fits the bill then you may go ahead and commence your chosen exercise. 

This type of sports bra is not a reality for me
However.  Upon said hot and sticky day, getting the f ing thing on is an actual workout in itself.  I openly admit that I  cannot do my bras up by the "reach around method". I'm a "waist it and swivel".... 

The utter rage that this part of my workout preparation evoked the other day  is like none I even knew I possessed. Horrifying.  Truly.  

I cannot describe how sweaty and angry I was before I'd even done the sodding exercise.  

I just thought I would share this little bit of insight into what us larger ladies have to experience sometimes. 
You're welcome 🍉                     

WORD OF THE DAY : Janus-faced
  1. having two contrasting aspects, as the alternation of mood in a capricious person.
  2. having two faces, one looking forward, one looking backward, as the Roman deity Janus.
  3. two-faced; deceitful                     
As per one of the classic moments in Dirty Dancing - Cry To Me - Soloman Burke 
*Pic 1 taken from & pic 2 from Ashley Graham's Twitter feed

Wednesday, 5 July 2017

Gone too soon

As many of you will know, on Good Friday this year, my Dad died very suddenly. I am still struggling on a daily basis to accept that he is gone. I don't believe that i'll ever get over losing him so soon. My Dad had a couple of health issues, but nothing life threatening (that we were aware of until it was too late) and one of those conditions would have got progressively worse as he got older. So, I had fully prepared myself to have to spend more and more time taking care of him - even with the possibility of moving home to be nearer. This I expected to have to do for at least 20 years. He was only 65. What I hadn't prepared for was for him to not be here. Since his death, panic attacks, anxiety and vertigo have returned on a regular basis. This of course is whilst still battling migraines and all that goes with them. So needless to say that i've not been having a very easy time of things these past couple of months.

I wrote the eulogy for my Dad and I wanted to share it with you. It can give some of you a little glimpse of who he was and what he meant to me. Although in adult life our relationship was somewhat different, we were even closer and had a very good understanding of each other - especially as we were so alike in personality. I truly felt like he was one of the only people in my life who always had my back - no matter what. I cannot begin to describe what he meant to me and how much I miss him. 


                                             Ted Crawford Aug 1951 - April 2017
I truly never imagined that writing a Eulogy for my Dad would come so soon. But without a doubt, it is my honour to do so. This is just a small reminder of the things that made him who he was… and I hope that it will help you to remember the part that he played in your life, however small. Most of you knew him as Ted and as a kid he was Teddy. For 5 of us he was Dad and he did get to be Grandad too – 16 times to be precise!

In 1999 Dad moved to start a new life in Germany with Jackie and in 2004 they were married.  

We were very happy to have him back in England this past year. Despite his riding days being over due to health issues, he never lost his passion for all things cycling, often spending hours in his garage building his own bikes from specialist frames and parts. 
As a kid, Dad had a little foray into the world of Football. His father had played as a professional and Dad felt it only right to give his football talent a test with try-outs for teams such as West Ham and Arsenal. He played for the Arsenal youth team for a while, before deciding to settle down and have his family. He always stayed active though, marching us kids (and his beloved dog Buffy) around on walks for hours and then, when we were older, he would go off cycling for miles and miles in full Tour de France mode. 
Dad was “King of Nicknames” – none of us kids ever got referred to by our given names, we were Peanut, Pugsley, Rim, Skippy Cheese and Frog. Even in later, adult life, this is who we still were as far as he was concerned. Even his son in law had the privilege of being named “Gadget” and one of his eldest Grandsons became “Lightning”. In Dad’s mind, there was always a perfectly valid reason and thought process for his invention of your nickname, which I believe, made you feel even more special. Dad also gave himself aliases on occasion, like the time he was approached by a window salesman outside B&Q. He was, on that occasion, Mr Jacobs.  
Dad was always joking around and causing mischief when we were kids. He always had time for us, whether it was sitting there for hours getting his hair done in a make shift hair salon, playing sleeping giants, chasing us round like an ape, or tickling us till the tears ran down our faces. One of his favourite games was catching you right in the face with his smelly sock that he’d launched from his position on his couch and declaring with glee “Bullseye!” 
Catchphrases were a regular feature. If you decided to try and play him at his own game, with tickling or sock throwing, he would announce that “you’re gonna regret that”…  Inevitably, a counter attack was launched and you were then reminded that you were simply a “little pune”…
When we were sick, he took care of us. He disciplined us and brought us up to have manners, respect and good old fashioned human kindness. You usually never repeated the behaviour that got you a clip round the ear, but we never felt that he didn’t show us how much he loved us.  
Lifesaving events included a rescue from the deep end of a swimming pool and on more than one occasion, crashing through the water to reach the blow-up boat we had fallen asleep in, before we drifted out to sea.

Working from early morning with plenty of late nights too as a self-employed Plumber, Dad always made sure we enjoyed a Summer Holiday on the West Coast of France every year. Weekends and half terms usually involved visits down to Portland in Dorset.
Music was a huge part of what brought happiness to Dad. Hours of driving with us kids in the van was always done with the likes of Bob Segar, The Drifters and many others playing at full blast with us all singing along. Friday nights at home, especially if he’d had a couple of pints at The Mill Pub, Dad cracked out his vinyl and got playing on his Bass Guitar.
One thing that Dad was never great at was his fashion sense. There were so many attempts to help steer him in the right direction but he was convinced that his slip on, tassled shoes from Freeman Hardy Willis were “cool”.  That may be so Dad. But not with white sports socks and cut off combat trousers.  I think this was another thing that made him his own person. He just wore whatever he felt comfortable in, it was as simple as that.
One of Dad’s favourtie sayings was “to cut a long story short” . He never did cut those stories short though. Until now. 

Despite the sadness that we might feel without him here, we can be thankful for the life that we did have with him and hold onto our precious memories until we can be reunited.

Some of Dad's favourite music:

Friday, 17 March 2017

Still Plodding Along


Life has continued in much the same vein since my last post but I have managed to get a bit more productive with regards to my beauty related website.  Even though there's not a massive amount of content on there so far, I built the site myself and it took me daaayyyyyyyyys  - so please have a look.

I am still no further forward with finding any solutions to finding a prevention miracle for my migraines but I am slowly learning to manage them better. 

A few weeks ago I started online Cognitive Therapy and i think I'm doing ok with it so far. Although, to be fair, i do talk the hind legs off a donkey so I suspect the therapist feels like we should be a bit further forward in the plan. 

I have to go on web cam to attend my sessions and on days when I'm struggling with my head, the fact that my therapist is unbelievably good looking doesn't help when you see yourself on screen next to her looking  like a cross between a roly poly and a boiled egg. 😳 
She is very lovely though I might add!

Anyhoo.. I've made small steps with regards to my anxiety when it comes to certain situations so i'm really pleased to have been given the chance to have these sessions. I've got quite a few more left so I fully intend to make the most of it. 

As usual, I am very blessed to have such amazing support from my Maff and Max, as well as my Dad, little sister and Mother & Father In Law. They always help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel, even though it's a bloody long one!

The Next Song on My Playlist 

Word for the day...


n the quality of being bright and sending out rays of light
Effulgence is brightness taken to the extreme. You may be dazzled by it, stunned by it, or even overcome by it. Usually used to refer to the sun or some other mega-star, effulgence can also be used more figuratively. 
If you're met with the mega-watt effulgence of my friend Mai -  take a moment to marvel at the rays of light shooting from her perfect smile  💖


Wednesday, 8 February 2017

Migraine or just a headache?

With the start of a new year, like many, I do try and hope that it will bring brighter days when it comes to my health struggles.

So far, it really hasn't.

I think I managed to get approx 10 days from just after boxing day, without a major migraine.

As much as I hate to go on about it , I have recently experienced several instances where people use the word migraine when they simply have a worse than normal headache. And quite frankly, it pisses me off.

Last week, I had a particularly bad migraine. It left me bed bound, up to my eyes in medication (which mainly didn't work), head covered in ice packs, eye mask to block even the tiniest bit of light, sick bucket to hand, and physically unable to even sit up unaided to have a drink.

These times are completely debilitating for me. Thank God that I had Matt here to look after me, otherwise I would not have even had a sip of water all day.

When I see comments on facebook or instagram etc where the person is "having such a bad migraine", I think: Bollocks! I can guarantee that you would not be looking at a screen typing about it if you had a migraine.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that we all have our different pain levels/tolerances etc, but seriously, you cannot assume that a bad headache is the same as having a migraine. Have a look here on the website for The Migraine Trust for a detailed description.

I think what bothers me the most is that the use of the word migraine gets bandied around when people actually only have a headache, and so I feel like it detracts from the severity of what a migraine actually entails for most of us sufferers. Then, for those of us who are genuinely unable to work because of the frequency and severity of them, it makes it just seem like we're just moaners and spongers.

The feelings of low self esteem and self worth, sometimes utter despair, depression and anxiety, for me, go hand in hand with my migraines too. Those feelings are a battle on their own. When you have days on end that you are unable to even perform the simplest of tasks within the home without making yourself physically sick, or to be able to provide your family with a meal at the end of their working day leave you wracked with guilt and upset.

A million people can tell you how great you are for getting through 3 open brain surgeries without any real disabilities, but I am more and more feeling like I actually have been left with a disability.  Yes, I've tried keeping a food diary to see what might trigger the migraines. The trouble is, that the general consensus from the various Neurologists I have seen, is that my migraines are trauma related. From having the surgery basically.

 I have recently just started logging all the headaches and migraines again as I feel that I've come to a stale mate with the Neuro team and am seriously considering paying to see a private headache specialist.

So for now, at least, the battle continues. Meanwhile. Do me a favour please.  If you or anyone you know are having a bad headache,  please just describe it as such.  Please don't belittle what some of us have to endure on a very regular basis.  Cheers ♡



noun: troglodyte; plural noun: troglodytes
  1. (especially in prehistoric times) a person who lived in a cave.
    • a hermit.
    • a person who is regarded as being deliberately ignorant or old-fashioned.

Thursday, 8 December 2016

Just a little update

I've not posted for a while and so I thought I had better get typing something.

When I think about what I'm going to write about I often worry that I 'm going to be writing about the same old things and as such will end up boring you all to tears. Assuming I haven't already done so, of course. It's difficult to know what to write about that doesn't involve my headaches and migraine news to  be honest. 

I have recently been trying to do more exploring with regards to the beauty and skincare stuff. And some of you will already know that I recently posted my first attempt at a review on my youtube channel. (Click here if you'd like to see it). I received a fair amount of feedback which was really helpful and constructive, so I aim to be producing better things very soon. Thank you to those who messaged me with ideas. 

I seem to be in the midst of a "manageable run" with my headaches which allows me to behave a little bit more like a human wich is always nice. And I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it lasts a while longer, if not forever!

With Christmas fast approaching I am beginning to feel the tension that this time of year seems to create for me - but instead of going on about that, I am going to leave it alone. Not give it (too much) "life".

I started CBT sessions a few weeks ago and so far,I've found it pretty helpful with certain aspects. I generally will get bouts of depression following migaines that have lasted more than 24hours. The depression can last sometimes up to the best part of a week. During those times i have zero motivation to even try and do anything and actually this ends up with me just going round in circles. My CBT therapist suggested a technique called pacing which has actually really helped me out. I won't go into the details of it, i'm sure there is plenty of info online about it, and actually the name of it is pretty self-explanatory.

With regards to my panic episodes, so far i'm managing them quite well. I seem to be on a bit of a break from the big ones.The problem i have is that i'm never just able to accept that i feel alright, whether it's  anxiety or headaches. It's  like I'm  constantly  waiting for them to happen. Maybe I actually trigger things myself by the continuous expectation of them? I dunno..... but this is all stuff i am gradually working through with my therapist.

So all in all, things are good this end. How are you? Are you looking forward to Christmas etc? 

Here is the next song on my playlist: Click & have a listen

Multiplied - By Needtobreathe

I will leave you with my word of the day which immediately made me think of Mrs Mangel on Neighbours hahahahaha.


noun: stickybeak; plural noun: stickybeaks; noun: sticky-beak; plural noun: sticky-beaks
  1. 1.
    an inquisitive and prying person.
    • an inquisitive or prying look or investigation.

      "guests were invited to have a good old stickybeak around"
verb: stickybeak; 3rd person present: stickybeaks; past tense: stickybeaked; past participle: stickybeaked; gerund or present participle: stickybeaking; verb: sticky-beak; 3rd person present: sticky-beaks; past tense: sticky-beaked; past participle: sticky-beaked; gerund or present participle: sticky-beaking
  1. 1.
    pry into other people's affairs.

    "I don't mean to stickybeak, but when is he going to leave?"

Monday, 24 October 2016

Finding your way

Sometimes we find ourselves struggling to focus on the good that is in our lives.  I know I do.  Daily.  I know there are some people who might consider me to be a negative person.  First of all,  I personally dislike the use of the words negative and positive when describing a person. I think this is because it can depend on that persons circumstances and situation which then may make them come across in a certain way. Having said that, I must admit that I do on occasion use those phrases.

As some of you will already know, I have struggled for around 8 years with pretty much daily headaches and migraines since undergoing brain surgeries to deal with haemorrhage,  aneurysms and most recently a brain tumour.

Seriously...... You could. Not. Make. It. Up.

I have some good weeks, where I may just experience what I call a background headache with a little bit of tightness in my temples here and there, which generally I am able to ignore and so go about having a reasonably normal day. But I also get weeks were I have a level 10 headache and/or migraine practically every day. I will sometimes have a pretty bad run with those kind of weeks and have recently just come out of around 3 weeks worth.

During much of that time with which I am in a lot of pain - not just with the actual headache, but also neck and shoulder  pain, I am utterly miserable, and no amount of reminding myself of the good in my life can pull me from the mixture of negative emotions I am experiencing. I cannot begin to tell you how useeless it makes me feel, not just as a mum and a wife,  but just as "me".

Call me old fashioned, but I like to make sure that the house is  clean and tidy, that the ( actually endless) supply of laundry is done and that there is always a decent meal for when Max and Matt are home from college or work. I feel like the home is completely down to me as because of my headaches and migraines I am unable to work. I mean, seriously, who will employ someone on the basis that they may only actually turn up once a week? So when those basics get missed because I am literally unable to do anything, down I go again.

I am constantly trying to discover new ways to treat migraines.  Part of the issue for me is that I don't really have a set pattern with them. I can't really seem to find any obvious triggers for them and I am in a constant quandry over the amount and frequency of pain killers I should be taking. Standard over the counter pain killers don't really do anything for me when I have a particularly bad headache and certainly don't help with migraine.  I have a Triptan drug prescribed to me specifically for migraine but I am in the midst of battling to see a headache specialist to sort out a proper regime when it comes to the frequency of which I can takes these drugs, as, astoundingly, my GP doesn't know. 
I have tried preventative drugs such as Amitriptyline (anti depressant) and Propranolol (beta blocker) - both of which did not work. The  next drug they want me to take is an anti epileptic drug which, aside from it's side effects, is something you really cannot take if there's any chance you could fall pregnant. Matt and I are still trying on that front! So with the Neuro department refusing me an appointment with their headache specialist I'm effectively being penalised because of not wanting to try another pretty hard core drug. 

Every so often, someone will mention the "daith" piercing as  miracle cure. I've read so much stuff about this and I just don't believe the hype I'm afraid. I'm not saying it hasn't worked for some who have been suffering with headaches, and I appreciate that we all have different pain thresholds,  but unless you've ever experienced a migraine proper, with all due respect, you really don't have a clue. 

I think it's easy for some to look at me, even after reading this, and still be like, "oh, she's a negative person" or think that I spend my life complaining and moaning about it all, and I understand that it can perhaps come across in that way. But I would perhaps just ask for those of you who have someone in their life who they consider to always be moaning or being negative, to just have a think about it for a minute. Do you know what is actually going on in their day to day life? Not just the stuff they might present on social media. Do you actually even care enough to try and find out? Perhaps you might even consider offering help, even in a small way. Like sending them a little message to actually ask how they are. 

Negativity can spread like wildfire. You can put a negative status on your fb page without really going into detail and it can be hugely misinterpreted (I know this from personal experience) - and instead of people trying to ask what's wrong, they then go off with negative thoughts about you and it all just goes round in circles. I've seen a few people's posts on fb that suggest they're not in the best places right now and so I've messaged privately to ask if I can help in any way. So what if they're people I may not have seen for years? So what if I don't actually end up in a big conversation about it all? I know that in a small way I may have helped someone to feel a bit better that day. 

I'm on my own pretty much all day most days. So I know that I probably have a bit too much time on my hands to think about the stuff that gets me down. And there are plenty of time that it seems to be that my pea brain is all i talk about. But I have come to realise that that does not define who I am. 

I can only ever do my best with each day as it is given to me and so I try to remember that. 

I know that all though there are times that I feel like giving up completely, I have got blessings in my life. 

And i do know that although I stumble here and there, I  will eventually find my way. 

The next song on my play list - Jess Glynne - hold my hand

Word of the day ;


  1. a feeling of guilt or moral scruple that prevents or follows the doing of something bad.

    "Sandra downed 4 bottles of wine without compunction"

    synonyms:scruples, misgivings, qualms, worries, uneaseuneasiness, hesitationhesitancydoubts, reluctance,reservations;